On Insane Hypotheticals and The Best Animals
Do I Choose 15 Wolves? 10,000 Rats? Four Lions? I CAN'T DECIDE.
Crazy hypothetical arguments have existed long before even the Internet did. In olden times, these arguments usually only manifested themselves in the drunken stupor of pubs and late-winding parties, or in the imaginative minds of children in schoolyards and on street corners. The Internet has transformed this genre of human interaction in weird and wonderful ways in that you get scores of people arguing whether or not you’d rather fight ten baby-sized horses or one horse-sized baby. These arguments are at face value INSANE to consider, but in a world where the leaders actively try to kill their followers and things like natural disasters and pandemics sweeping up the rest, well, one can see where absolutely deranged debates might hold appeal.
The latest iteration proposes a battle royale of the animal kingdom of some sort. You are on one team with two other emissaries. The other seven of the potential allies which you have spurned are now attacking you. You can see it in the picture below:
For those whose work Internet connections block downloading pictures, I will describe them verbally:
- 50 hawks or some other kind of raptor/bird of prey
- Ten alligators/crocodiles
- Three grizzly bears
- Seven bulls
- One man with a rifle
- A pack of 15 wolves
- 10,000 rats (when all you need is a knife)
- Five gorillas
- Four lions
Each of the nine potential allies have their pluses and minuses, but one thing is certain. No matter whom you choose, you will probably lose. Numbers are not your friend either way, not even with 10,000 rats as your chosen allies. You will die a grisly death, and so will the animals you have chosen to stand beside as comrades. How many attackers you take down with you is the only tangible measure of success here. I have my two preferences, and I feel like I might see daylight before succumbing to my injuries with these two groups by my side. I will go through a process of elimination before getting there.
Firstly, I am eliminating the man with a rifle. For one, they (man, woman, non-binary, whomever) are in the lowest number. I don’t care about the rifle. I don’t care if man is the most dangerous game. I too am a man and I am assuming I have a whole arsenal at my disposal. I am also a conservationist, and I’ve seen way too many movies of man vs. animal where the man dying is just so sweetly satisfying. Fuck a man.
Next crossed off the list are the lions. The picture there shows two lions with manes, which indicates they’re the male lions. Am I getting those lazy ass, high-on-their-own-power lions roaring and licking themselves, or can I choose four lionesses, who are the hunters of the pride? Either way though, lions are way overrated as members of kingdom animalia. They’re show creatures. Pass.
Next off the list are the bulls. Look, I don’t wanna be gored to death by one of those things either, but it feels like they have a one-track mind, or are one-trick ponies. That trick can be devastating, but not only would they be easily picked off by smarter animals, it feels like they would be liable to gore me by accident. The phrase “bull in a china shop” isn’t popular because they’re calculating destroyers, okay?
In that same vein, the grizzly bears, of which there are only three, would be next off the list. The numbers are too small, and bears, though awesome in size and crushing in power, are slow, lumbering, moody, and USELESS if this battle takes place in winter months. Just because this debate is happening in July doesn’t mean that it’s when this battle royale would be taking place. I love bears in general, but as allies in this fight, well, I’ll take my chances.
Now the pickings get a lot more difficult. All the animals left are elite. Process of elimination gets way more difficult at this point. However, the tough choice made next would be to get rid of the birds. Yes, hawks are ruthless hunters with the power of flight, and while I haven’t seen The Birds, Alfred Hitchcock was onto something when he made that movie. Still, I feel confident that I can play anti-aircraft against even hawks better than I can fare on the ground against the others.
A lot of people believe that just by sheer numbers, the rats would be a no-brainer. That many of any animal would be formidable, but rats are, by nature, scavengers. Can I trust scavengers to help defend me in time of need? Or will their instinct be to pick the bones of the fallen? Is their main mode of offense, spreading disease, effective enough in a live battle setting? Sure, I might have bubonic plague after the battle’s over, but that is easily treated in 2020. It’s a difficult choice to let the rats go, but while they don’t scurry when something bigger comes their way, I’m not sure they’d be the best allies here.
The final elimination has to come from three impossible groups. Wolves, especially a pack of 15, are the most formidable hunting force of modern times. If the wolfpack is stalking you, it’s not if, but when you’re dead meat. Gorillas are strong, smart, and tenacious. They’re like having a bunch of Ben Grimms on your side. Gators are low to the ground, deceptively fast, and the compressive strength of their jaws can crush steel. They have been around for millions of years for a reason. Whichever group I leave off here will automatically become my biggest threat. The group I eliminate here will be likely how I end up dying.
With that in mind, I take my chances by casting my lot siding with the wolves and the gators. The gorillas are the last animals sent out to the opposition. Am I thinking with my heart over my mind here? Maybe. I am a dog person, and dogs are descended from wolves. I love Flat Fuck Friday and think gators being so hot right now is delightful. How will I go out? Well, the way I see it, I think I can at least fight to the bitter end here.
The hunter with the rifle stands absolutely no chance against the wolfpack. Even if they clip one with their shitty hunting rifle, they’re stalked on all sides by the others without cover of their precious deer stand or helicopter. The wolves are also my best bet against the gorillas. If the canine-to-simian ratio were a straight one-to-one, I wouldn’t like my odds. But assuming I lose no wolves to gunfire, which is a good bet if it’s just a human in the open, it’s a three-to-one ratio. The gorillas don’t stand a chance.
The 10,000 rats are the gators’ first task. Because they’re low to the ground, they can gulp up rats easily in their massive jaws. They can chomp up rats in large quantities in broad strokes, and they can diminish the numbers efficiently. If you can isolate your opponent, you stand a better shot at winning. Maybe they don’t get all 10,000 rats, but they get enough of them that they become a non-factor.
So that leaves the birds, the bulls, the bears, and the lions. I expect the gators to be mostly intact. The wolves, well, not so much. Maybe there are five wolves left at decent enough strength to keep fighting. I would deploy the wolves first against the bulls. Even at a third of the strength, I think they can take seven bulls. At this point, the battle closes into a pinch point, devolving into three distinct battles. I am left to act as an anti-aircraft defense against the hawks. The gators are the best shot at taking down the bears, and the wolves, however many are left, will take on the lions.
Sadly, this is probably where it starts to unravel for my team. The lions are more than likely refreshed, and show-creatures or not, their hunting prowess, especially if there are more lionesses than maned layabouts, is too much for the wolves’ fatigue at this point. Gators vs. bears might be my best shot, but the bears are bulky and surly. Me vs. the hawks will take a lot of luck on my part to keep them at bay, but I want to be realistic here. All it takes is one hawk to gouge out one of my eyes, and it’s over. Still, even as my team falls, we would have taken out 10,000 rats, five intelligent killing machines, the most dangerous game, a whole lotta beef, and perhaps at least one of the kings of the jungle and a bear. All in all, it wouldn’t be a bad showing.
Of course, you might see it differently, but that’s why these debates are so fun. They are so deranged that the only currency to be used in winning or losing is the power of persuasion. If you can convince someone that your combo is the key to survival, then it’s just as good as walking into an animal free-for-all and walking out unscathed, right? So what if the subject material is grisly. It’s all hypothetical anyway. It’s better to be gored to death by an imaginary bull than it is to have your insides melted by an all-too-real virus.
Photo Credit: Sierra Club
Meme Credit: Unknown